Wart

As I sit here in my bedroom tonight and listen back to my latest podcast, “Angry old man”, I’m coming to the realization that I’ve become stale. Nothing I say seems of any great significance or worth. Much like my life which at times (dare I say) seems pointless. I don’t know why I even do this. All it tends to confirm is my lack of popularity. There is something unpalatable about my life. Yet there is something liberating in my tell-all approach. From this lack of interest, I have learned what a freak-of-nature I truly have become. And understand why I never really had many friends. That the only way I could relate to people was in a purely self-centered way. I don’t think people are repulsed by my words; they merely consider them worthless and “so to” that man who hides behind the pseudonym, Nick Thomas. Even my attempt to provide a more human look into my life has met with but a casual, “so-what or whatever”. Maybe with time I’ll find something more meaningful to say. Or maybe I’ll trudge along the lonely road of a “has-been or never-was”. I could have traveled a different road. A road traveled by many who call themselves “personal journalists”; but I made the decision when I began to record my voice that I wanted to do it my way. John Ong, who is/was my inspiration for doing this once asked me: “What is my purpose in life?” It was a question I struggled to answer and still I find it hard to give a concise and intelligible combination of words to define, “purpose”. The mad man that exists inside me would claim that all that surrounds me, i.e., the landscape, the people, are here merely to fuck with me. To taunt and test me. To see how much I can take. For at every turn I find yet another road block; another hurdle from which to overcome. Life grows tiresome after a long while of hoping things will get better, but finding that nothing really ever changes. That at some point in your life you come to the realization that time has frittered away. That if you were ever relevant; that relevance has long since faded. But you stubbornly stand there. Not knowing when to leave. -Nick Thomas