WIT = What I think. The truth about me in minute detail.
Do I believe in God? At one time I believed in a God. When I was young I was told about a God. Much of what I was told about God was about his ability to know your every thought. If you thought about things which were considered ungodly he would know. I was taught to think of God as a supreme male figure. The stern father who would punish you if you did wrong. I would be taught God’s punishment would be an unending torment of an everlasting hellfire. A place where I’d go if I were bad. A place of no escape. My mom once explained how it would feel to be sent to hell. She’d tell me that hell would be like touching your hand to hot eye of a stovetop. In hell you’d not be able to pull your hand away. It would be like your body was burning in a fire, yet never consumed by the flames. A constant torment. A never ending pain. None of this talk could take away the feelings I held deep inside of me. I knew that God knew I had feelings for guys. Feelings that I was told were wrong. Feelings that I knew would lead me on a path to hell. In my mind I had no choice but to accept my ultimate fate. A soul destined to spend eternity in hell. None of this seemed reasonable to me. None of this made any sense. I would continue to explore the books of the bible trying to find that loophole which would both, “allow me to be true to my feelings” and “acceptable to God”. Try as I might I could not find that loophole. Over time I’d come to reject Christianity. I’d see the bible as merely a book of men; not of God, not of inspiration, not of divinity. I’d still cling to a belief in God and only give up this belief after attempts to communicate with him would fail. I have come to believe we are alone in the universe. That there is no creator looking down on us. That there is no purpose in life. That life is what “you” make of it. It took me a long time to find this truth. Many will live in denial of this truth all of their life. Some are able to do this because they are deemed acceptable by a God made of man. A God made to make us look, act and think a certain way. The christians and those who like to masquerade as christians use these beliefs to demonize us; to drive others to destroy us and we to destroy ourselves. I gave up guilt along time ago. But I see clearly the hatred which still exists in our world nurtured by the believers. How can one defend oneself against God? A God created by men to make us in the image of what the men of old considered a man should be. A God created to prevent us from seeing truth.
What is trichophagia? Eating hair. Individuals with trichophagia repetitively pull out their own hair and eat it. Although any area of the body can be a target, the most common areas are the scalp, followed by the eyelashes, eyebrows, and pubic region. I’ve got a secret. I’d like to say I “suffer” from trichophagia, but that wouldn’t be quite accurate. I like it. I guess any of you guys who’ve listened to my podcasts over the years can kind of figure what body hair interests me most. If you guessed “public hair” you get a gold star. I also have a thing for armpit, arm and leg hair. I know this sounds weird and I cannot quite figure out why I’m so turned on to eating hair. But there are consequences to tichophagia. The effects of trichotillomania can be very serious: feelings of shame may result in avoidance of social situations; chewing hair can result in dental erosion; eating hair may result in hair becoming lodged in the stomach or large intestine, which can lead to anemia, abdominal pain, nausea, vomiting, hematemesis, or bowel obstruction or perforation. Ending this addiction isn’t so easy. Why? Because I enjoy it. There is something about it that I find sexually stimulating. Perhaps this is why I am turned on by kinky leather and bondage porn. Perhaps this is why I’d identify myself as an oral submissive bottom. I’ve mentioned this offhandedly during the course of several podcasts so I’m not really trying to hide anything here. I only mention it here to let anyone out there who may also have this addiction know they are not alone in this. If I found this addiction shameful I might be more apt to stop it. But I don’t and could care less what people think of this. Weird? If you’ve listened to my podcasts for any length of time you already know the answer to that question. And you also know that I don’t fear turning some off by telling the truth. That’s what this is all about. Truth telling is the heart of any true personal journal podcast. That’s why this podcast exists. For clarity sake, I do not endlessly or incessantly engage is hair pulling/eating. The instances occur infrequently while in the shower to sexually arouse myself. I use the shower massager to stimulate my cock. Pulling my pubic hair helps with the sexual arousal. I know this sounds weird and perhaps I am unique in that I feel no shame in these acts. I can only guess why I find the act of eating my hair sexually arousing. That “other part” of me that is detached looks upon myself with contempt and as worthless. I am being punished and sexually aroused at the same time. And by my own hands. The hand which holds the massager is granting me pleasure while the hand which is pulling my pubic hair is providing me pain. The duality of these seemingly conflicting states of mind somehow compliment one another. I’m not trying to defend these actions, but merely explain my state of mind. Whenever I find something that is sexually pleasurable I tend to continue the action. Being penetrated anally also comes with a measure of pain. I can only explain these actions as pleasurable pain. I guess thats why some people would call me queer.
